Eagan Hospitalized With Severe Case of Jimmy John’s-Induced Itis
Staff from across campus are lauding the inaugural Partners of Advising and Coaching Expo as a spectacular success. “We had sun, sandwiches, games, laughter,” said one advisor. “Did I mention sandwiches? It was a magical time!”
Things took a dark turn, however, when Charles Eagan, Academic Advisor and Chair of Advising Council, realized at the close of the event that he still had over a dozen uneaten Jimmy John’s sandwiches. “What was I going to do?” Eagan later explained, “Put them in the Muenzinger refrigerator?! Faculty leave lab mice in there all the time!”
Some speculate that sunstroke prevented Eagan from coming up with, well, any other solutions whatsoever to the sandwich problem. Eagan’s closest colleagues, however, point to the life-size cutout in Eagan’s office of competitive eater, Joey Chestnut, as evidence that Eagan may have intentionally over-ordered from Jimmy John’s in a sick attempt to break into the dangerous sport.
We may never know the true motivation behind Eagan’s actions since CU leadership has decided that the whole thing is too stupid to bother to investigate, but what we do know is this: Eagan put his hair back, sat down in the intense Colorado sun, and methodically unwrapped and ate a total of 27 sandwiches – all while his colleagues surrounded him weeping and pleading with him to stop. As emergency medical crews wheeled him into the ambulance, a satisfied and exhausted Eagan reportedly mumbled, “I got the itis,” as he slipped out of consciousness.