Pontón de Dutton Disputes Golf Cart DUI: “It Was Granny’s Fault!!!”

After successfully completing CU’s Golf Cart Safety training, an excited Scarlett Pontón de Dutton set out to haul families across campus in her official capacity as commencement staff volunteer. Witnesses describe seeing a cautious, albeit boisterous, Pontón de Dutton early in the day, but say she exhibited more erratic behavior during her later shifts. As cheerful graduates and their families flooded out of the stadium at the close of the ceremony, Pontón de Dutton, apparently on her way to collect riders, plowed into the happy crowd. “It was like a bowling ball crashing into hundreds of pins,” recalled one witness.

Miraculously, nobody was seriously injured, but that did not stop Parking & Transportation Services from revoking Pontón de Dutton’s Motorized Off-Road Vehicle license. “We saw no other option,” explained a PTS representative, “especially since CUPD found several empty cough syrup bottles at the scene.”

Pontón de Dutton explained the cough syrup bottles in a 2:00am statement to the SSANET listserv, saying, “I gave this family a ride down to the stadium. They were very friendly! As we were talking, the grandma asked if I was sick. She said my voice sounded hoarse (well, I do love horses)! Did I mention this family was VERY NICE!?! Anyway, granny said I should try some of her cough medicine, as it always clears up a sore throat. Turns out she had a ton of bottles in her purse and said I could have all of them since they made me feel so good!!!”

The Bacon was unable to find this “granny” for comment.