Campus Fears Power Vacuum with Jernigan Exit

As Director of Advising Quality Alex Jernigan’s resignation date looms, campus officials fear what could prove to be a power vacuum in the University’s largest college. “The A&S AAC has experienced near-constant instability since the end of the Guertin Era,” explained Ryan Huff Melanie Marquez Parra Joshua Lindenstein, Interim Chief Spokesperson for CU Boulder (what is happening to all these spokespeople?!). “The Provost has entered into diplomatic talks with Assistant Dean Lily Board of A&S, who pledges to lead a fair, democratic search for Jernigan’s replacement.”

Despite Board’s assurances, campus officials remain skeptical. In fact, one dean, who wishes to remain anonymous, claims that Jernigan’s sudden resignation is the consequence of a power deal brokered by the Chancellor. “Intelligence suggests Chancellor DiStefano has been in secret talks with opposition leaders for some time,” explained the anonymous dean. “It appears that the Chancellor may be backing fanatical advisors, throwing financial support their way in the form of administrative leave time.” 

With advising and coaching factions warring within A&S AAC, pressure is mounting on Board to lead the unit through a smooth transition of power. When asked to comment on leaderships’ concerns about her ability to succeed in this transition, Board said, in what appeared to be a Darth Vader quote, “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”