Bonetti Announces Retirement: Rogalski Grows Ponytail in Anticipation; ECON Looks to Vahratian for Mustache

Ken Bonetti, longtime Economics Advisor and rabble-rouser, announced recently that his effective last day at the University of Colorado Boulder will be May 14th. “I’ve been threatening to retire for so long that I had to submit my intent to retire three times before HR would take me seriously,” Bonetti said while painting a sign that read, “The Time for Change is NOW.”

Bonetti says he knew it was time to retire when the administration started listening to his ideas. “I can’t work for a place like that! That’s just crazy!”

The Economics Department is currently scrambling to fill the void that Bonetti will leave behind him. “This is more than I can handle right now,” said Professor Nicholas Flores, Chair of the Department of Economics, “I’ve got Rogalski over here struggling to learn to braid; student protesters are Zoom-bombing ECON classes and office hours, but keep forgetting their signs; and nobody can seem to talk Mara into getting that mustache going. Time is running out, people!” 

In an uncharacteristic move, Mara Vahratian, Academic Advisor in the Social Sciences, had no comment.