University leaders recently announced that everything is going to be “just fine and dandy” this fall. “This is definitely based on science. Financial motivation has nothing to do with it,” said one university official this week in a sparsely-attended town hall. “Oh, and I should point out that we accidentally scheduled this town hall for 4:00 a.m. It was not an attempt to ensure that nobody showed up.”
While senior leadership is leaving it up to individual deans to determine what exactly “normal” will look like in their areas, the Campus Advising Executive Council (CAEC) has already issued guidelines for advising and coaching best practices.
“We understand that some colleges expect advisors and coaches to hold in-person appointments, while others are allowing at least some amount of Zoom appointments,” said Shelly Bacon, Associate Vice Provost for Advising. “Regardless of the appointment format, all advisors and coaches will work on campus, and CAEC wants to make sure that we are protecting the health and safety of our staff.”
“Fortunately,” Bacon added, “droplets will only travel three feet this fall, rather than the six feet they have been traveling. This will make in-person advising far more manageable than it has been.”
Best practices include wearing a mask at all times while in University buildings, including during Zoom appointments; drawing a protective pentagram on the floor around your office chair; zooming in on degree audits at 500% so in-person students will be able to see from across the room; holding in-person appointments from inside a human-sized hamster ball; and sanitizing your human hamster ball inside and out at the end of each day. Note: sanitizing the inside of human hamster balls while in use could lead to suffocation.