The Bacon Turns Two, Celebrates by Calling it Quits

After two years of just-cringy-enough publications, The Bacon has thrown in the towel. Said one member of the editorial staff, “It’s been two years? What have I been doing with my life?!”

“I wouldn’t exactly say we’re ‘calling it quits,’” another Bacon editorial staff member explained. “I mean, I’m pretty sure we’re just taking a break, right? …Right???”

For those new to the publication, The Bacon is a respected – and, for some, the only – source of news about the goings-on of the CU Boulder campus. The publication may or may not have won national awards and may or may not have some readers and subscribers.

The news of the break/permanent-pause-in-publication hit many Baconators hard, perhaps especially the editorial staff and freelance journalists. While reminiscing about their contributions to the esteemed publication, one freelance journalist explained, “I was essentially strong-armed into writing for The Bacon, and ultimately only did it because I was pretty sure it wouldn’t last for more than a few issues anyway. What a fool I was! I’m so relieved that the whole thing is folding!”

While many members of The Bacon editorial staff are at a loss for how to move forward, others already have a plan. “I saw this posting on the CU job board for a Yukon Squirrel Field Technician, and I knew it was exactly what I should be doing with my life,” explained one member of the editorial staff. “It’s a perfect combination of my background and passions. I mean, I’ve spent the last year trying to pitch my ‘Mysteries of Squirrel Poop’ idea to the staff, but they just roll their eyes at me and move on to the next idea. But seriously – have you ever seen squirrel poop? No, you haven’t! And do you know why? Well, probably because of some sort of conspiracy that I haven’t worked out yet, but that I’ll definitely get to the bottom of once I secure this position as the Yukon Squirrel Poop Technician, or whatever it is.”

After a lot of confusion and not-very-enlightening interviews with freelance journalists and editorial staff, The Bacon finally issued a (not-very-well-written) statement about the pause, explaining, “We are reassessing and reviewing the publication formerly known as the The Bacon and are reimagining it to be aligned with all the other satirical publications here on campus that in turn align with the The Onion’s core values. As this is a huge undertaking, the monthly rag will be on hiatus but may be relaunched at a future time, or likely never.”