Longtime CU Boulder Staff Member Makes Terrible Life Choices and Everyone Congratulates Her

Longtime CU Boulder staff member, Denée Janda, of Janda Mountain String Band fame, has announced that she is leaving her position as Assistant Director of Campus First-Year Advising Initiatives to go work for CU Boulder’s little brother, CU Denver.

The news hit hard and fast, with many staff members expressing their regret and congratulations simultaneously. Ms. Janda’s inbox was flooded with pleas to rethink her decision, expressions of admiration and appreciation for all of her hard work over the years, as well as thinly veiled suggestions that she would immediately regret her decision and would probably be seen back on campus before the fall semester begins.

When asked for comment regarding the outpouring of support, dismay, congratulations, and lamentations, Ms. Janda replied, “Seriously? WTF? I haven’t heard from any of these people in years and now they say how awesome I am?! Really?! Well, if I am as awesome as they think I am, why didn’t they show up to my last Janda Mountain String Band show? I left a bunch of tickets at will call and they were all still there when the show ended. Whatever.”

Meanwhile, the University of Colorado Denver has gone on record with the following statement: “Ms. Janda’s contributions will be highly valued and appreciated here at CU Denver and we will tell her that probably every day. Or at least once a week. Unless something comes up and we’re not able to get to it. But we’ll definitely make our appreciation known the following week, or as soon as we’re able to. It might be an email or maybe a nice handwritten note. Actually, no, it will be an email.”