Mass Exodus from Registrar’s Office after Decades in Cave

In recent weeks, the University of Colorado Boulder community has seen an onslaught of emails from the Registrar’s Office and other Enrollment Management Offices announcing retirements of mostly unheard-of employees who the University claims have been with CU for decades. These retirement announcements have brought with them numerous inquiries, such as, “Has anyone ever heard of this person?”, “Who even are these people?!”, and, “Where have they been all these years? A cave?”

After weeks of sleuthing, The Bacon’s investigative journalists have unearthed shocking information: The University only recently discovered the existence of these employees when Facilities Management happened across the entrance to the long-lost catacombs of 1918.

“They were just sitting there clicking away on their Compaq Deskpros entering student data,” said one FacMan employee who agreed to speak with us on the condition of anonymity. “They stopped typing all at once and slowly turned and stared at us. It was horrifying. I’m still having nightmares.”

When asked how the University could have forgotten about these employees, an anonymous Registrar’s Office staff member responded simply, “I thought Admissions did tuition classification.”

University officials promptly whipped up a retirement incentivization program for these employees, handed them sunscreen and electrolyte drinks, gave them a quick heads-up about the pandemic, and sent them on their way. 

“Fortunately, their salaries haven’t been adjusted for inflation since the ‘80s, so, while all that back-pay will be a pretty big chunk of change, it’s not as bad as it could have been,” said Lisa Landis, Assistant Vice Chancellor for Employee Relations and HR Operations. “We’ll find the money for this somehow.”

In unrelated news, the CU Regents announced today that they are canceling their plans for a calendar-year merit salary pool, which was originally scheduled to begin January 1, 2022.