Bacon Decrees Advisors Must Go Meatless (Coaches Can Be Omnivorous)

Associate Vice Provost for Advising, Shelly Bacon, decreed last week that all advisors must become vegetarians. Impacted staff has until August 1st to comply. Bacon cites her own vegetarianism as the primary driver for this shift. That and the high cost of meat when ordering UMC catering. “It’s the right thing to do for the planet,” she said adding under her breath, “plus we have no money and we have to take cuts somewhere. Why not cuts of meat? Get it, cuts of meat? I crack myself up.”

When asked why there is such a long runway before the new requirement goes into effect on August 1st, Bacon said, “With St. Patrick’s Day, Easter, Memorial Day, and the 4th of July still ahead, I figure there’s ample opportunity for people to get the taste for animals out of their systems – corned beef, honey-glazed ham, hamburgers and hot dogs, isn’t that enough for these people?” Bacon is betting that after having five months in which to consume as much flesh as they want, everyone will be up for a change of pace.

Plans for how Bacon will monitor compliance with the new rule are still being determined. Now that everyone has a camera on their computer, this reporter anticipates some type of internet trolling device. Let’s just say that if you regularly partake of a working lunch and don’t want the Deep State to see what you’re eating, you might want to sit under your desk. 

One of the biggest impacts is likely to be felt at the 2022 Conference for Student Success & Advising (CSSA) lunch buffet. “We might be able to splurge for small quantities of cheese,” Bacon said, “but I’d primarily plan on bowls of nuts and berries.”

There are a few silver linings for the new meatless community. First-year vegetarians will be networked together and can share ideas and best practices as it relates to leveraging vegetables, legumes, and other incomplete sources of protein in their diet. And advisors who go fully vegan will receive a bonus after 6 months. Added Bacon, “Coaches can eat whatever they want.”