CU Leadership Says Taking Investment Advice from Super Bowl Commercials “turned out to be the wrong move”

The CU system was hit hard a few months ago by the news that it lost over $120 million dollars in investments. Although the money had already been allocated to major projects on all four campuses – including expanding support programming, constructing new buildings, and funding football coach salary – senior officials made it clear that “we can’t spend what we don’t have.”

After faculty leaders demanded an explanation for how the system lost so much earmarked money, one senior official broke down and admitted that the system had invested in FTX. “Turns out, you can’t spend money that isn’t real,” the official explained with the promise of anonymity. “FTX was all the rage – and those Super Bowl commercials! Larry David just kills me! How could we not invest with an ad like that?!”

When asked what the system planned to do to recoup their losses, the senior official told us, “Oh, don’t you worry. This Beeple NFT is gonna pay off bigtime!”