As academic coaches prepared to welcome their new head coach, a mob of jealous academic advisors stormed the Provost’s Office demanding that Shelly Bacon, Associate Vice Provost for Advising & Exploratory Studies, be named Advisor Prime.
“We will not be outdone by academic coaches yet again!” the mob’s leader shouted through a bullhorn. “Give us Prime or we take Guggenheim!” (The Bacon later confirmed that advisors had no intention of taking the Guggenheim Geography Building – they simply could not think of a better rhyme.)
Although Bacon denied any direct involvement in the movement, she admitted that there could be some benefit to securing the title change. “If Coach Prime could make sweeping changes to our transfer credit policies so soon after signing on with the University,” said Bacon, “just imagine what someone who’s actually in Academic Affairs could do.”
Fortunately for Bacon and the advising mob, the Provost was only too happy to oblige. “I’m not going to sit back and let the Chancellor be the only one with a Prime. I just need to come up with $29 million and it’s a done deal!”