Regents Pleased with Preliminary Data: “Don’t Update Us!”

During a University of Colorado Board of Regents meeting, which took place early on the morning of Fall 2022 census, CU Boulder officials presented Regents with preliminary data on student enrollment numbers. The Regents were so thrilled by the modest growth that fell only slightly short of the numbers projected in June that they asked not to be updated after the data is finalized.

“I can’t imagine being any more pleased with the Boulder campus’s fall enrollment numbers than I am now,” beamed one Regent.

The Regents also used Friday’s meeting to discuss the unrelated matter of merit raises, which were previously moved to January in order to use fall census data to better determine the University’s fiscal health before increasing salaries. “We realize now that staggering the start of the fiscal year and the start of merit increases only causes confusion,” explained one Regent, “so we’ve decided to realign these two processes. Merit increases will be delayed until July of 2023.”

The Regents emphasized that this change had nothing to do with the fall census data. “How could it?! We haven’t even seen the final numbers!”